Translucent Deceptions


when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank

they’re married now



Watch the Queen of England age through bank notes

I hear she’s…. old money.



Watch the Queen of England age through bank notes

I hear she’s…. old money.

1. So could you go without a cell phone? | 2. Do you like the sitcom friends? Everyone I talk to every loves it or hates it. | 3. Letters or Email? | 4. Give away book or keep them? | 5. How many crushes have you had?

1) I could. Not many people call me, anyway. It’d be inconvenient to have to borrow someone else’s every time I wanna call and find out what’s for dinner, but aside from that it wouldn’t affect me much.

2) Friends is amazing; I love it. I still haven’t watched the entire series in chronological order but it’s something I should get around to someday. With Dutch subtitles, so I can learn something while watching.

3) Letters. It feels so great to receive letters. They’re a lot more personal and tangible and I would feel quite very sad if I lost the letters and cards that Sof and Kiana sent me. They’re probably some of my favourite things that I own.

4) Give away as long as it’s read. Then I’d have someone to talk about the book with. I’d buy another copy, though, so I could have it on my shelf still.

5) Hazel, Elselyn, Germaine, Elo, maybe Amanda(? Hannah thinks I was infatuated with her, I don’t know if I was.), Amy Farah Fowler (From camp), Sarah Yong (from the same camp, but a different year), Shaun (From a different camp. She had my name and it was spelled the right way, too.), Angelyn Ho, Angeline Kein, Sara Elizabeth Madren (First girl to like me back, as far as I know. She’s still awesome.) (Wait, no, Elselyn told me several years ago that she did like me back around primary school times and she was waiting for me to do something. When she told me that her feelings for me had already long faded, but mine for her hadn’t. Pretty cruel of her, if she knew. She’s been married for a year now.), someone else on Tumblr whom I found through but I forgot her name and also wow I was stupid with that one, Gemma (I was 17, she was 18, Joe was 20something, the three of us were talking about my dick and its length in MSN messenger and that’s when the two of them realized they had chemistry, a few months later they blocked me, a little after that he moved back to England from Spain to live with her, a few months after that they were married, now their kid is, holy shit, four years old? Holy shit. Also she’s the reason I joined Facebook, she told me to friend her there to see what she looked like. She unfriended me ages ago. Probably around the same time as the blocking.), and maybe Sof. I mean, I knew I wasn’t infatuated with her when she was here, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t infatuated with her after she left, but then Hannah said I was and apparently she heard me say I was so I guess maybe I am now that she’s gone? Feelings are weird.

So yeah that’s around… 14? I might be forgetting people. Let’s just say between ten and fifteen crushes.

So I ended up having to pull the laptop out to look at your blog because the crashing just made me insanely curious, and then spent most of the past hour reading the details of your friends visit(I have no idea who Sof is or really anybody else in the story except Jan because you stated it's your brother). So 1. What was your favorite part about her visit? 2. Favorite alcoholic drink? 3. If you could have one animal that you were able to telepathically communicate with, what would it be?/Nospace

Wow. Thanks for reading it all; I wasn’t expecting anyone to be interested to spend that much time on it. Did it really take an hour? It’s 12k words so that means you can read 200 words a minute, which sounds pretty impressive.

This is Sof, by the way. I’ve known her for four years now; she was one of the first few people I followed when I first joined Tumblr around Halloween 2010, along with Kiana and Sara.

I like how you referred to Jan as an “it”.

1) Talking and drinking together on the balcony on that first night she arrived. It was very open and I hadn’t screwed up so much yet with the driving and poor planning and unintentional sleep-and-food deprivation and face-stepping and stuff so I wasn’t feeling guilty and I was drunk enough that I wasn’t feeling inferior and it was fun and friendly and honest and nice. We should’ve just done that for the whole visit instead of driving for days to places that were only okay.

2) This. I’ve never tried it but it was described as an alcoholic drink that doesn’t taste alcoholic which sounds great for me because I love getting drunk but I hate the taste of alcohol. It tastes like poison, which I guess makes sense because that’s what it is.

3) One species or one specific animal? If species, I’d go with humans. If one specific animal, then I’d go with a macaw. They can apparently live between 80 to 100 years, so I wouldn’t have to worry about her dying on me. As a bird, she’d be able to fly about and give me instant updates on traffic conditions and stuff like that. Heck, I could probably even teach her to talk and she could attend meetings for me and stuff. That’d be rad.


These are from a wonderful book called The Art Of Comforting. Check it out and learn how to be better at supporting people going through difficult things.

1. Favourite sound track from a kids movie? | 2. Favourite fast food place? | 3. Reading or writing? Why? | 4. Did you watch the movie Frozen? What did you think? | 5. Do you tend to hoard stuff?

1) The Hunchback of Notre Dame is the first thing that comes to mind.

2) Ever since I discovered how good their apple pie and and ever since they made the GCB a permanent item, McDonald’s. Burger King has better fries and ice cream, though, but they’re too bloody expensive.

3) I really, really enjoy reading but right now I’d say writing because it’s cathartic and informs people about me and at the end of it I’ve got something that I can point to and say “I made this.” It helps to have those little achievements when you’re feeling a bit depressed. I think reading will take top spot again once I’m out of this funk.

4) I did. Twice, I think. I thought it was really good. The ice and snow looked really great. I don’t think I noticed Rapunzel or that gay couple until Tumblr pointed them out, but it’s rad that they’re in there. I’m pretty sure I teared up at some points. After the movie ended, the girl I was watching it with gave me a hug as we said goodbye and then she never spoke to me again.

5) Yes. After I finished each blister strip of medication, I used to peel them until there were no bits of… foil? I used to peel them until there were no bits of foil hanging off and they were all neat, then I’d add them to the stack. The stack’s now thicker than my copy of Les Misérables. At some point I stopped peeling so much and now I’ve got finished-but-messy strips collecting in a nice small translucent pink-ish bag for later peeling.

I’ve also got a drawer full of electronics and wires that are either obsolete or broken but there are a few working things in there that I might need someday. I’ve got another drawer full of miscellaneous stuff that I rarely access, and I’ve got another drawer full of files and papers from things I made and wrote and maybe also textbooks from college and such.

Also on top of my desk is a pile of all my souvenirs and memorabilia from the concerts and movies and vacations and special occasions in my life. Shortly after I collected some Oranje napkins and the most important lyrics from Het Wilhelmus from the Dutch ambassador’s residence when I was there with my parents for a celebration of the crowning of the new king, one of the cats climbed up next to my big pile of sentimental treasures and took a dump right beside it. Thankfully, cats never seem to pee where they poop (or poop where they pee) so it was just a matter of picking the stuff up for disposal and wiping the spot down with too much bleach, but still. That was rude. 

1. What is the hottest weather you've ever experienced? | 2. What is the coldest? | 3. What's a bad habit you have? | 4. Anything that genuinely creeps you out? | 5. What is the worst movie you ever watched?

1) Haha, is this a reaction to your freezing rain answer? I can’t really think of when the weather was as extremely hot as your rain was cold. I do know that sometimes I’ll get in my car and the steering wheel will be so hot that I can’t hold and the metal from my belt buckle will burn me, so I have to make temporary gloves from tissue in my car while I drive around with the windows down so the wheel can cool down enough for me to touch it with bare skin again.

2) Probably a windy, rainy day in the Netherlands. I can’t remember any specific days when I was out and it was windy and rainy enough to be the coldest day of my life, but that must be how the coldest day of my life happened. I’ve actually been in colder places, like where there’s artificial snow (in Singapore, maybe?), but that’s not really weather so I don’t think it counts.

The floors are so cold in the mornings in the Netherlands, though. It was those floors that made me get why fuzzy slippers (or just “slippers” to Sof and the rest of the Australians out there, since normal slippers are thongs. =P) are a thing that exists.

I think the coldest weather I’ve ever been present near was the day before we left on one visit when we woke up and there was frost on the grass. We never really were able to visit for a proper snowy winter.

3) Procrastinating. I think I might just come back and write more about this later.

4) Albert Fish and the letters he sent and the things he said to the parents of his victims. Whenever I see his name come up in a thread, I skip past the details and I don’t click the links because I don’t really want to know any more about him than I already do.

5) I remember watching a bad movie recently. It was just poorly done. I remember thinking at the time “Oh, so this is what a bad movie whose badness has not yet reached so-bad-it’s-good territory looks like.” I can’t remember the name, though.

I did watch Twilight and that was pretty terrible. I did it though because a friend wouldn’t watch Up (she thought it was a dumb kid’s show) unless I watched a movie that I thought was dumb and she loved. She changed her mind about Up, I maintained my stance on Twilight.

I cant really think of ten questions right now cause I'm tired. So here's just a few. 1. Do you like writing? | 2. What's something you tend to accumulate without even noticing? | 3. One book, trilogy or series? | 4. Uh sup? |

It’s fine, I’m happy to receive any amount of questions. =D

1) I do. It gives me a chance to get my thoughts out and it gives me something to return to in future so I can see how things were at the time when I wrote the thing.

2) Sleep debt and hunger. I feel lethargic and tired a lot and it’s because I’m not sleeping or eating regularly.

3) I prefer single books because trilogies tend to have weaker bits or disappointing endings. Series can be really good, though. I really enjoyed The Princess Diaries and there’s loads and loads of content in there over such a wide period and I’d like to revisit it someday, maybe.

4) Jan is outside of the room drinking and comforting his friend and Joel’s out there, too, ‘cause that’s also his cousin who is depressed. I should be finishing my post now, it’s a pretty good time to do that. Jan’s computer is on and he’s logged in and he’s logged in to Facebook and when his friend and I were playing Nidhogg while waiting for Jan to get Joel, I noticed that his last Facebook conversation was with Sof and I could check their messages and I wouldn’t get caught and I am curious but I’m not going to because. I don’t know why. I feel like I might do it if he was talking to any other girl but it’s different with Sof because I respect her? Or maybe I wouldn’t check the messages no matter who he was talking to. No, I think I would. I’m not that ethical.

I wish there was a way to know what was in those messages without asking Sof or Jan or snooping. Like if the information could just appear in my brain.

Oh I’m also catching up on webcomics that I haven’t read in months. I think I’ll start on the post once I’m all caught up. Or after eating. Gotta get my mum to put the headphones for the TV on first though.

Okay that’s done.

I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and then I’m gonna play D&D with some people from my old job and I also have assignments and reports due for my internship. Tomorrow. Today is just a tasty dinner (fries and chicken. Mmm) and finishing that post. And maybe the tags for that post.


*wakes up at 9* nice

*immediately falls asleep, wakes up at noon* less nice

1. How was/is Sof's visit? | 2. Understand snapchat any more than you did before now? | 3.Who's someone you want to be like? | 4. What do you miss the most and why? | 5. Something you look forward to and why?

1) I was thinking I’d write a long long thing about this in multiple paragraphs with everything that happened and everything I felt and everything that was said except the stuff I forgot (most of it) and the stuff that was private (obviously private, even to me, that is) but I’m in a bad mood now but I still wanna get it out so it’s just gonna be a stream-of-consciousness, roughly chronological, whatever pops into my head kind of deal. Sof’ll probably have a travel log up at some point and I’ll reblog the link to that.

So like a year ago I found out she could come here and then three months ago I found out the date she was arriving, so I asked my dad if I could have his car because it’s a Prius and so it’d use a lot less fuel and also it’s got a great soundsystem and my Kancil would probably be too small for Sof. I asked the wrong way and he said no, but later my mum said they’d be in America from shortly before she arrived to shortly after she left so my dad wouldn’t be using the Prius anyway, so of course I could use it. So before Sof arrived I put my Kancil in the garage to get it repaired so I can hand it over to my sister when she gets her license in three months or so and then I had the Prius.

Sof broke her phone before arriving but I had just gotten a new phone a few months ago and since I kept the old one I could just pass it to her and get a new SIM card so she’d have a Malaysian number. I also asked at the store if I could get a data plan for my phone so I could use GPS and Google maps and not get lost and apparently I just had to text a thing and choose an option and I’d have data, so I did. I got no reply and when I called they said that the person who paid for the line had to call and authorize the data and that person was my dad and he was already in America so although I had a phone and a phone number for Sof I didn’t get data for myself.

I was about to leave for the airport on Wednesday because I thought Sof was arriving at around seven in the evening but after closing Black Flag and realizing I was already a little late I looked over and saw she was on Facebook and it turned out she was in Singapore airport so we talked about stuff but we didn’t really arrange how we’d communicate or where she’d be landing (there was a new… airport? Terminal? A new building was built right next to the old international airport and I didn’t know whether she’d be landing in KLIA or KLIA 2) anyway that was okay. I drove to the airport (I picked KLIA 2) and got on the wifi and managed to find her on Facebook messenger when she landed and she got through immigration. Turns out she wasn’t in KLIA 2, she was in KLIA, so I chose wrongly (a recurring theme in this visit) but she took the train over and we met anyway so it was fine.

My first impression of Sof was that she wasn’t that tall but then she got closer and I realized that oh, she was. Then she was hungry so we got food. Vegetarian fried rice. And she told me about what had happened the night before and that incident always made her laugh except for a few times near the end of the trip when it didn’t. It was pretty amusing, I guess.

We bought some stuff and I rapidly realized that the RM500 my dad gave me (that I requested from him, actually. At first he said he’d give me an unlimited budget but then he changed his mind and so I e-mailed him and asked for RM500 but I should’ve asked for RM1500 and bargained down to RM500 but actually I shouldn’t’ve given up my allowance when I started my job but anyway he gave me another RM500 after I told him how much debt I’d run up in the trip and it was okay. Actually even then I thought I’d emptied my bank accounts at the start of the trip to get all the cash together but I hadn’t, I still had quite a bit of money, and the debt I’d run up wasn’t as much as I thought it was, so I could’ve handled it with the RM500 my dad gave me initially and the money in my bank but I just would be completely broke afterwards so maybe it’s good I didn’t.) might not be enough.

Anyway we left the airport and went to go clubbing because… I can’t remember why I put it on the itinerary. Malaysian nightlife sucks. I always hated clubbing when I went out with my friends, back when I had friends. But yeah I was kinda lost in the city looking for a club and when we found one (it used to be called Gosh, I was last there a few years ago, now it’s called King’s Club ‘cause I guess it’s under new management?) it was completely empty. It was, like, 1am or something but there was just one guy on the couch and he might’ve been staff. Anyway we got free drinks with entry but I gave them both to Sof since I was driving. The music was stupidly loud and it was very dark; while I was showing off the assistive light feature on my phone I took the only picture of Sof I made the whole trip:

Actually, the second only, but the other one was just to prove something to Hannah and anyway we’ll get to that much later. Man, though, what a crappy photo. What a shitty club. Anyway since it was totally deserted I went on the dance floor for a while and danced horribly (the only way I know how to dance) but it seemed like Sof enjoyed or was amused by how stupid it looked so at least there was that.

Sof was tired from the thing she did the night before that kept amusing her every time she brought it up so because of that tiredness we decided to ditch the city and head back to my apartment. In the meantime though we’d grab some drinks so we could drink on the balcony.

Oh yeah also I took the wrong turn on the way back from the airport (another recurring theme) and also I should be writing this in notepad or something because sometimes Tumblr or Chrome does stupid things and everything I write gets lost and if that happens now or later I’d be just about ready to kill something but I’m not because… I’m an idiot I guess?

Anyway yeah we got the drinks and we went back to my house and we drank and talked and I asked Sof a lot of personal questions and I got honest answers that were exciting and sexy and in return I offered unprompted information about myself that was pathetic and gross (but maybe kinda funny) so I guess that conversation was probably better for me than for her (hey, would you look at that, another recurring theme).

When Sof went to use the bathroom (or shower?) I sent a drunk text to Rebecca (she hadn’t left for the UK yet) and also I think I must’ve sent a drunk ask to you (“HEEEEELP! SOF: IS SO ATTRACTIVE! REBECAVA: IS SO INTELLIGENT! I: I AM SO DRUNK! MY HEAD HUrtsl. lseppps.”) but I don’t recall turning on my computer so I’m not sure how that happened.

I sleep on two mattresses stacked together on the floor nowadays but since Sof was here I split those mattresses up again and I hope I gave her the one with sheets and a sleeping bag but I think I did just the sleeping bag bit.

Sof thinks I kept drinking after she went to sleep but I don’t think I did. I know I threw up a lot and I stumbled around and also took a shower (after puking) and it felt really, really bad. It wasn’t even that much alcohol; I think it was like two (or one?) vodka lychee drinks that had the same alcohol content as beer and then a half bottle of gin? Sof doesn’t like beer so we didn’t have that but I can’t remember what we did have. Anyway I shouldn’t’ve gotten as drunk as I did but I guess I’m just fuckin’ weak in that regard.

Uh, I know that a recurring thought through the night was that Sof is really attractive but I wasn’t attracted to her (or at least I wasn’t infatuated with her? I didn’t want anything remotely intimate or romantic to start to happen because I knew firstly I’d probably do it wrong or poorly, secondly it would never last and when it was over that would probably be the end of our friendship, too, and thirdly she deserves way way way better than me so even if getting with her was a possibility it would be a very selfish thing to do. Oh, also, she’d reject anything I tried. Obviously. Yeah, that would be the obvious first reason.) and that was expressed in my drunk texts and asks. I think I also had similar sentiments for Rebecca that I put into the text, but I was in such a rush to get it typed and sent (and also very very drunk) that what I sent was basically incomprehensible. I think the TL;DR version though is “You’re really really clever and I don’t deserve you. I hope you find someone who does and that you’re happy”. Sof read that and thought I was breaking up with her. I think I thought I was just complimenting her. Eh, mostly I felt like bringing myself down. Self-pity was another recurring theme in the trip and it seems it’s carried on even past the end.

But yeah, so after I’m done stumbling around and puking and showering, I dry off and finally head to bed. Later on in the car on the long long drive Sof told me to not make excuses and that she hates excuses and excuses have no place in an apology, but since she’s said she’s never going to forgive me for this anyway I guess I can give up apologizing for it so I can put in my excuses. Anyway they’re explanations. They explain why I did what I did; what I did was still wrong and I shouldn’t’ve done it but I feel like I should explain why things happened like they happened; it wasn’t malicious or anything like that. So yeah, usually when I walk to my mattress there is floor all the way from wherever I am to where the mattress is. That day, there was less floor because I had split the mattress up. Instead, there was another mattress, and on it was Sof’s head, and on Sof’s head was her face, and so since it was dark and I was drunk, rather than stepping on the floor like I had expected, I stepped on Sof’s face like an idiot. My immediate reaction was to swear and say sorry. The swearing was at myself for fucking up that badly. The apology was insufficient but I genuinely was sorry and it had to be said.

Anyway I lay in bed for a while but the room kept moving even when I closed my eyes so eventually I got up and stumbled to the couch instead. Or I threw up some more and then took a shower and then went to the couch. I can’t remember. Either way, I woke up on the couch.

It was too late to get tickets for KLCC so instead we went straight to the KL tower. We walked through some jungle but saw no monkeys. The air was hazy and the zoo under the tower with the two-headed turtle was closed for renovation, so it was shitty day to visit. On the roof bit in the open air we didn’t see much worth seeing but Sof did teach me to cover my mouth when I yawn (22 years I’ve been alive and before that nobody cared to tell me that was a thing I should do) and we also talked about… driving and fibro, I think? And her siblings? I can’t really remember.

Anyway I was hungover and in pain and whining like a wuss the whole time, Sof found it pretty annoying and pathetic. Worst hangover I’ve ever had and it lasted a really long time because I didn’t rehydrate. I should’ve drank more isotonic drink. I was just having water. Anyway.

We walked to KLCC and sat near the fountains for a bit and Sof took the typical tourist picture of the Petronas Twin Towers out front because we might as well. Then since it was pretty early still we went to eat at a Brussels Beer Cafe location we passed along the way. Sof had waffles and I had too much fries and bacon and other stuff. I never did manage to find enough vegetarian places for Sof, another place where my planning failed. For most of the trip she was deprived of food and sleep and it was my shitty planning that was to blame for that so. Yeah. I think I apologized and I think she said it was okay but I still feel like crap about that. Someone comes to visit and you basically torture them with negligence. Sof was right, I am a bad person. But we’ll get to that.

After lunch we still had time free so we decided to go visit Batu Caves so we’d have more to do on Monday. Finding Batu Caves took hours because I suck at navigating (the theme has begun to recur, if you’re keeping track). It should’ve been less than an hour but I kept choosing suboptimal roads and eventually I doubled back all the way to find wifi to clarify the route and we ended up back where we were right before I turned us around to find the wifi so that was a waste of an hour. The only upside to that was we paired the Bluetooth to Sof’s iPod so we were listening to her library instead of mine.

Sof’s got a pretty good library, by the way. Most songs were 6/10. I never heard anything bad. She did skip one song once ‘cause she said she hated it and it was only there because she forgot to delete it but from the brief second I heard it wasn’t too awful. There was some amazing music like this Maroon 5 cover of Pure Imagination or these songs by a band that she went to school with and especially pretty much this entire album by the Wombats, but I’ll get to that one later.

So yeah at Batu Caves we climbed the stairs but Sof had to rent a piece of cloth (sari?) to cover her legs since it’s a temple and apparently shorts are indecent. Also I tried to feed pigeons with the leftover fries but they weren’t having it. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to feed them to the monkeys that were all over the stairs.

The cave itself was okay. Sof liked it; I thought the formations looked a bit too organic and gross. I like the stuff that looks more smooth and ancient. Sof got what I was talking about but I pointed out the difference again in Gua Tempurung because I’m an idiot, I guess.

At this point I think I’ve been writing for an hour and this is clearly more for my benefit than anyone reading this. We’re not even 24 hours in yet and holy shit there’s a lot to read if anyone ever decides to read. Let’s keep going, then.

So yeah, the cave was okay and there were a lot of monkeys. Maybe not worth the drive but whatever, we got to hang out and talk. We drove back (getting a bit lost along the way, of course) and then I took a shower and a nap on both mattresses. This was inconsiderate. Sof wanted to nap, too. I should’ve split the mattresses. I don’t know why they were even stacked when we got back. I kinda just ignored her need to sleep and satiated my tiredness first. I should’ve thought about it, considered it, took action to help someone before myself, but I didn’t. It didn’t even enter my mind that sleeping on both mattresses wasn’t the correct thing to do. I just acted. That’s a big part of my problem.

Alright well since we’ve already acknowledged that this is mostly or entirely written for me, I might as well address the fact that Sof didn’t wake me up to ask for a mattress. I would’ve been happy to give her one. I would’ve given her both and slept on the couch. There was no need to be so polite and go without sleep at my expense. I was the host. I should’ve been making sacrifices for her comfort. I’d’ve been happy to do so. I’m still not really clear why she didn’t wake me up and ask. My best guess is that waking someone up to ask them to do something is an uncomfortable social interaction and she maybe felt it was easier to just avoid it.

Anyway an hour later I woke up and it was time to buy a new phone for Sof. We also needed to get towels for Redang since we’d be sleeping on the beach and we needed towels under the sleeping bags because that’s what I’d been told to pack by someone and it was stuck in my head. So we went to a local mall and got a phone and it was a good phone, then we went to the mall where we were going to karaoke (and also play laser tag but Malini cancelled on that and then Bardia cancelled, too, but we were really tired so it was good it got cancelled, really) and although there was very little time we tried to find towels but they weren’t selling any. We did find a store that sold the exact same phone we just bought so we didn’t have to visit two malls, though. Oh also Sof taught me the value of politeness. Sof taught me a lot during the trip.

Both Malini and Rebecca were waiting at Red Box karaoke for us. Well, Rebecca had arrived early enough that she had gone down to Borders to browse books while waiting, but anyway she came up and there were introductions and I found the room we booked and we tried to figure out how the pricing would go. It was a complicated thing.

After the room was sorted (or we thought it was sorted, we were still unsure on the drinks/tidbits deal) I had a look at the buffet and then we went to the room for karaoke.

Sof and Malini got along. Rebecca didn’t want to sing and she said she wasn’t singing and she looked kinda busy on her phone so I kinda ignored her and Sof told me many times after that that that was a dick move and I was being mean to Rebecca. I gotta learn that it’s very possible to be mean by not doing and not saying things. Meanness isn’t always active. I wasn’t trying to be mean, though. Here comes another excuse. I don’t think I’ll even bother calling this one an explanation. I had been looking forward to karaoke since before I even knew Sof could visit, before I even met Rebecca, and before I even knew Malini as a friend. I love karaoke; it’s one of my favourite things. I would happily rent a room and sing by myself for hours. I probably will one day. I’d never got to karaoke like this before, though, and I was glad that Sof’s visit gave me a reason to do it. We were there from six thirty-ish in the evening to two thirty-ish in the morning and probably six hours of that was just me singing. I paid for it all though so I told myself that that made it okay. Actually, no, none of them paid for it so I told myself that made it okay. In the end it wasn’t really me paying for it, either, it was my dad. But yeah I was singing for a lot of it and I know my singing is awful (I’m enthusiastic, not talented) and so I should thank them all for being so patient with me. Rebecca especially said she had to leave early at 1am but she stayed to the end and I can’t really come up with an explanation for that except that she likes me and if that’s the case then wow, I am a dick because I really should’ve treated her better. I hardly talked to her at all except for a couple sentences when Malini and Sof were either out of the room or on the other side of the room or something.

But yeah even though I said I wasn’t, I was kinda annoyed at Malini because she wasn’t singing much but she kept choosing One Direction songs to play in the background when I had songs I wanted to sing and we had limited time. She also skipped my songs, accidentally and on purpose. Karaoke was my thing. She shouldn’t’ve been meddling. That’s how I felt. Looking back it’s a stupid thing to get upset about and I could’ve just said nicely to her that I didn’t want to hear the One Direction songs if she wasn’t going to sing along to them and I don’t want my songs skipped so could she please stop skipping them but I didn’t say that so I guess it’s as much my fault as it is hers.

Sof was amazing, though. She was trained in musical theatre for 16 years or something incredible like that and she’s also just naturally got a great voice and so through talent and training she was able to consistently put on a beautiful, perfect performance with each song she sang alone. There were some songs we sang together for fun but after my first two attempts to join in on popular songs with her I realized that no, I was ruining it and I should really shut up and let her shine and so after that I didn’t join in unless I was invited. I did lip-sync, though, because it’s karaoke and I want to participate. Actually also I did sing a little in Let It Go because I don’t think Sof knew how the second part of that song went so she couldn’t find the key or match the melody. But yeah most all of her Kpop and Sara Bareilles and Effervescent was awesome.

Rebecca found out about MH17 when I was singing Tell Laura I Love Her and I was annoyed because this plane crash was ruining my favourite karaoke song. Everyone was crowded around her phone and nobody was paying attention to the first verse and it annoyed me. I’m a selfish monster.

I think all of us except Malini took naps at some point. When Sof woke up from her longest one she said we should go back. We had the room until 3am but we had to wake up at 5am so she wanted (understandably) to go home and sleep, so I paid and we left.

I should’ve walked Rebecca to her car but I didn’t. Sof told me later that she thought I was a cunt for that. Looking back, I don’t disagree with her.

I dropped Sof off at home so she could get some sleep, then I drove to Malini’s house, then I got stopped at a roadblock in the city by a cop who asked if I’d been drinking and I told him the truth that nope, I’d just been at a karaoke place and the only thing I’d had was pink guava juice. He looked like he didn’t believe me but he also looked like he didn’t think he was going to get a bribe out of me and pulling me over would’ve meant making the cars behind me wait even longer and get more annoyed so he let me through.

Tumblr was lagging and then it crashed so I’m gonna post this now and add on the rest in edits.

So yeah, continuing this with edits. Um, I got home.

Yeah I got home at around 4am and I went to sleep on the couch and at 5am I was awake and so was Sof and we got in the car and drove.

I don’t think I got lost on the drive to Kuala Terengganu. Near the end I was pulling over to consult the map often but the drive was okay. Sof said she couldn’t sleep because of her fibro and stuff and she generally doesn’t sleep in vehicles anyway, but after a while she was kinda curled up in the passenger seat with her eyes closed and covered by this airplane blanket that my dad brought back one day and that my maid left in our closet and that I brought for the ride because I thought she might need it.

The drive was actually quite nice. It was crazy hazy at times; so dark that I couldn’t see more than two car lengths ahead of me but it was on a proper highway (without street lights, though) so I was still going quite fast but it was mostly straight, I think. I believe for that ride we had my music on but I was on my “Nap” playlist which is pretty much all slow or quiet songs but even then I had the volume really really low to not disturb Sof. She said later that she wasn’t really sleeping, she just had her eyes closed and was visualizing scenarios or going over conversations and stuff. I dunno, maybe that was part of it but it looked like sleep to me.

I’ve misplaced my copy but last month or so I was reading Les Misérables and near the start there’s a bit right before Jean Valjean steals the silver when he’s passing the Bishop and then this happens:

Nature sometimes mingles her effects and her spectacles with our actions with sombre and intelligent appropriateness, as though she desired to make us reflect. For the last half-hour a large cloud had covered the heavens. At the moment when Jean Valjean paused in front of the bed, this cloud parted, as though on purpose, and a ray of light, traversing the long window, suddenly illuminated the Bishop’s pale face. He was sleeping peacefully. He lay in his bed almost completely dressed, on account of the cold of the Basses-Alps, in a garment of brown wool, which covered his arms to the wrists. His head was thrown back on the pillow, in the careless attitude of repose; his hand, adorned with the pastoral ring, and whence had fallen so many good deeds and so many holy actions, was hanging over the edge of the bed. His whole face was illumined with a vague expression of satisfaction, of hope, and of felicity. It was more than a smile, and almost a radiance. He bore upon his brow the indescribable reflection of a light which was invisible. The soul of the just contemplates in sleep a mysterious heaven.

A reflection of that heaven rested on the Bishop.

It was, at the same time, a luminous transparency, for that heaven was within him. That heaven was his conscience.

At the moment when the ray of moonlight superposed itself, so to speak, upon that inward radiance, the sleeping Bishop seemed as in a glory. It remained, however, gentle and veiled in an ineffable half-light. That moon in the sky, that slumbering nature, that garden without a quiver, that house which was so calm, the hour, the moment, the silence, added some solemn and unspeakable quality to the venerable repose of this man, and enveloped in a sort of serene and majestic aureole that white hair, those closed eyes, that face in which all was hope and all was confidence, that head of an old man, and that slumber of an infant.

There was something almost divine in this man, who was thus august, without being himself aware of it.

Jean Valjean was in the shadow, and stood motionless, with his iron candlestick in his hand, frightened by this luminous old man. Never had he beheld anything like this. This confidence terrified him. The moral world has no grander spectacle than this: a troubled and uneasy conscience, which has arrived on the brink of an evil action, contemplating the slumber of the just.”

It was already such a well-written passage that painted such a perfect picture of the moment but driving through the haze right before the sunrise with Sof more-or-less asleep in the passenger seat helped me understand it on a pretty personal level.

But yeah, after a lot of pulling over to check the map we arrived in KT, and then it was struggle to get through the mess of streets and arrive at the ferry, and then we walked the wrong direction but eventually we made it. I bought new slippers (they didn’t have towels) and then we got on the ferry and Sof had another nap and I had one, too, and then we arrived at the hotel and I finally bought some towels and there were also some welcome drinks (too sour for Sof but she was fine with durian, later) that I drank and some wifi that I used.

After a while we went to wait for our boat to Chagar Hutang. I changed from jeans and shoes into shorts and slippers (Sof insisted on calling them thongs) and that was a lot more comfortable, obviously.

We met the guy who worked with the turtles and we got on the boat and the engine and wind were loud enough that I felt okay singing sea shanties from Black Flag and that was fun. The turtle beach was lovely and the water was still very clear. We met the… interns? We met the people in charge as the volunteers were leaving for a hike. I connected to the internet and sent an e-mail to work to see if there was anything I needed to do or explain and I also gave an update of the situation. I didn’t get a reply which was kinda nice because it meant I was free to do whatever. I also took my online Risk turns and read more about MH17.

Sof was out collecting information for what was going to be a quick site review but it turned into a big thing because she’s very thorough in everything she does. She said a few times she never half-asses anything and it’s true. Made me feel a bit weird though because she was supposed to be here to enjoy the turtles and the island but instead she was putting quite a bit of time into the report which was only an excuse to explain why we were there so I was glad when she stopped writing and put the rest aside for the plane ride or whatever.

I told the people at the beach about MH17, then a monitor lizard attacked a turtle nest so I went to see, then the volunteers came back from their hike so I told them about the monitor lizard and then I told them about MH17. We talked more about other stuff and I had some pictures taken with a turtle:


I think Sof was taking a nap in a hammock or something. She earned it. I wasn’t feeling too tired but after getting to know the nice people there I decided to give a nap a go and splayed myself over a big rock in the setting sun. It was okay but I didn’t fall asleep.

At night there was dinner and then there was a patrol to watch for turtles at night on the beach under the stars. Sof decided to go to sleep since the beach patrols reminded her too much of university and her environmental science degree and she was pretty tired anyway.

The company was pleasant and the stars were nice. I remember them being nicer on Redang but the haze was really bad so even out there the stars were kinda blurry. Still very beautiful, though. After a while the turtles came out. There were 7 turtles that night, I think. I got to see one laying eggs. I helped dig her a new nest because the one she picked was a bit too close to shore and high tide might be dangerous. We moved the eggs and I gave her a nice pat on the shell. I could’ve also touched her flipper but I decided against it. She was very large. Turtles are cool.

After I’d dug the nest I was ready for bed so I took a shower and discovered that my toiletries bag (also brought back by my dad from an airline one day) had no shampoo in it. It had some sort of cream for nails and cream for faces and toothpaste, but no shampoo or soap. I used a very little bit from someone else’s bottle but I still felt a little bit guilty. If I’m ever visiting the beach again I’m gonna bring a big bottle of liquid soap and shampoo and I’m just gonna leave ‘em there to make up for it.

We were gonna sleep on the beach and the volunteers were sleeping on the beach because the other few nights it had rained but tonight it hadn’t, but Sof was sleeping in one of the huts (or houses? It was somewhere between a hut and a house) so I thought I’d sleep there as well. First though I asked if she wanted to wake up and look at the turtles or stars ‘cause there were a lot of turtles and stars and it’s actually quite rare to see them like that but she said she didn’t want to and I guess she’s seen plenty of great stars in Australia already and there’s cooler animals than turtles there so it was okay to let her sleep but then why even come to Redang in the first place. Stupid planning by a stupid planner.

Anyway yeah I tried sleeping in the househut for a bit, then I moved to the hammocks for a while (so comfy, oh my goodness. Hammocks are great), then I moved back to the huthouse.

In the morning we got on the boat back to the hotel with the volunteers and I sang more shanties. We had lunch at a place that was okay and while waiting for the food I went to the sea to swim for a bit. The volunteers urged Sof to try durian when we got back to the mainland and I thought that would be fun.

After lunch we took the ferry back to the mainland and Sof said a good goodbye to everyone we met and I said a lousy goodbye, and then we had a second chance to say goodbye but I didn’t. Later on Sof taught me how to say goodbye properly.

We were lost in KT again looking for wifi. We did find durians, though, and a lot of mangosteens which I thought solved the food problem with Sof ‘cause fruits are definitely vegetarian but she said that she doesn’t eat fruits as whole meals ‘cause they make her more hungry so I had around 3 kilograms of mangosteens and I couldn’t eat them all and when I did eventually eat them I felt guilty that she wasn’t having any.

But yeah we found a McDonald’s but their wifi was broken but we did eat the durians. Sof had no reaction and it was scary. She said they were okay and the only thing bad about them was the texture, so I thought maybe they were just unusually good durians but when I tried them they were exactly as awful as I remembered them being so I spat it out before I threw up. I recorded Sof’s reaction and later she uploaded it for the volunteers and I think she recorded mine but it’s not out there for whatever reason. I think maybe she took some pictures of us together, too, later, but they must’ve been snapchatted away or something because I haven’t seen them since. I don’t think there are any pictures of us together from the trip. I don’t think Sof likes me; I think she just tolerated me and took a small measure of pity on me but now she doesn’t really care and I probably would be better off just not contacting her again.

But yeah, durians. I was a wuss about a lot of things on the trip, especially the hangover, but I maintained and I still maintain that the reaction I had to durian was the normal one and she was strange for being able to stomach them so easily.

Anyway, we found wifi near a restaurant. I let Sof park; she didn’t like the Prius and the keyless entry and push to start stuff. Anyway, with the wifi I found the route to Gua Tempurung and I found a hotel. On the phone they said they had two beds.

We left the city and it took a long time. I missed a turn on that would have led us East in the direction we wanted to go and we lost over an hour because it took me a long time to realize we were going the wrong way and when we were going back I took another wrong turn down the only road that ended in a dead end instead of linking us up to the road we wanted.

We were listening to Sof’s music now. The whole eleven hours (should’ve been five. Google said five. But my navigation skills and the road at night and a bunch of things made it eleven) was Sof’s music and it was okay. Sometimes it was really good. It was on this drive that I heard Last Night I Dreamt. I love that song now. Sof said it was one of her favourite songs, too. Not just of the Wombats, but of, like, all songs. So that was nice. Oh and there was also this album that was really trippy and it went on for an hour and it was okay, too. I said something during the last song and Sof got visibly annoyed. It was one of the few times in the trip that she made clear how done with my shit she was. She was super patient through most of it.

Anyway yeah as we were heading back from the dead end I mentioned how I wouldn’t mind if this was how I spent eternity, just driving on a not-so-congested road out in the middle of nowhere with pleasant, mildly-annoyed company and decent music. Sof kinda disputed the annoyed bit. Maybe I’m overestimating the kind of reaction I was capable of eliciting. Sof did say she doesn’t feel emotions as strongly as most people. The positive ones and the negative ones.

But yeah, I said that eternity would be, like, a 5.5 out of 10. Sof had stopped listening and she said she stopped listening. I started to describe my idea of a 9/10 eternity and I told her that I’d just continue in my head if she wanted me to shut up but she didn’t say anything so I went on to say that it’d probably involve me waking up in the late morning, heading out to some well-paying blue-collar job (welding, I think), coming back in the evening for dinner with my flatmates (and wife or girlfriend? I can’t remember describing her much. I just know she was there. Either a significant other or a large dog. Some form of company), having a nice bath, playing some video games, and then going to bed.

That was the most one-sided conversation we had, I think. I also mentioned death and how I’d be okay with dying around the same time as that and I was a little annoyed when she wasn’t concerned but that was an idiotic thing to say and an idiotic way to react, because I’m an idiot.

We talked about other stuff. On Redang Sof asked me about rape and what I’d prefer if I was raped or stuff. I think my first answer was “whatever causes least distress to my family” but my ultimate answer was “whatever’s quickest”. I asked her who she’d save if everyone she knew was in a room and only one person could leave alive. She said herself at first, then when that was removed as an option she picked her younger brother, and when family were all safe she went with Andy on terms of him being the best person she knew and this kid in the Netherlands who is like a little brother to her on the basis of relationships. I said if we’re saving the best people we know then I’d save her, but if we’re excluding her then probably my sister, but if we’re excluding family then probably Rebecca, and if we’re only keeping one person and losing contact with the rest (I think this was the actual circumstance where the answer was that surrogate little brother in the Netherlands) then I’d go with my mother because nobody else would miss me that much so I might as well keep in touch with her so she does’t have to suffer through losing a son or whatever.

During the drive we also talked about what defines a good person. Steve Irwin wasn’t a good person, according to Sof. Nelson Mandela might’ve been. She said good people don’t do things, generally. She said she’s never claimed to be a good person. She said most people aren’t good people, and the best that most people can be is not bad. She later said that I’m a bad person. Before that though she said she was done with this good person / bad person conversation and I told her I was glad she’d told me when to shut up and I asked her if she could do me a favour and do that more often when it was needed. I wasn’t being sarcastic, I genuinely need help recognizing when to stop (as evidenced by this entire fucking post. Wow), and I was happy when she took me up on it.

She taught me how to apologize. Don’t make excuses, only offer explanations if they’re really valid (“Sorry, I’m leaving work early, my best friend just died” vs “Sorry I killed your dog but he looked really stupid so it’s not that bad”), and say what you’re sorry for.

At night we came across some police roadblocks. I don’t know why they were there. Two had the gates open and I asked for directions. The first one told me I had come the wrong way. I was on that road because I second-guessed Sof, so yeah. The second one said I was on the right road and to just head straight. The third (or maybe the second again and it didn’t actually have its gate open. I can’t remember how many there were) had the gate closed. Sof had taken over the wheel for a while but we swapped back after that. She taught me how to use my highbeams and how to drive on small country roads with no streetlights.

There was a motorcyclist with his lights off and I almost hit him but I didn’t. I told Sof that I kinda wondered what I’d do if I did hit him and she wasn’t there. I said I’d like to say I’d stop and wait but I’d probably drive off because he had his lights off and he wasn’t wearing a helmet and it was kinda his fault (or mostly his fault) and that was when Sof was angriest or most annoyed because she told me she hates when people do that. When people blame their mistakes on others, no matter how much the other people are at fault, it really pisses her off. I think she said if I made one more excuse or something, the friendship was over or she wasn’t talking to me any more or something like that. It may’ve been an overreaction to that particular conversation but I think it was an appropriate reaction to the journey as a whole up until that point. I mean, she’d been in pain and I’d been talking my annoying bullshit on-and-off for hours and she hadn’t eaten or got enough sleep and that was all my fault and now I was doing the thing that was her biggest pet peeve and so of course she blew up at me. She’s amazing for not expressing her anger sooner.

So yeah, she said that I’m a bad person and I do all this shit to try and make other people think that I’m a good person but I’m not. I didn’t dispute this; Sof is great at reading people and she nailed down exactly what I’m like.

But yeah after that I said fine, if I ever do hit a motorcyclist, regardless of the circumstance, I’ll just do what she’d do and call an ambulance and the police and just wait.

A long while later we were in Cameron Highlands and it was 15 degrees and she said “You know it’s only pleasant for you, right?” because she’d just come out of winter in Melbourne. I ate mangosteens and enjoyed the air for a brief while, then I felt guilty because she wasn’t eating and she also wasn’t getting any closer to the hotel and proper sleep while I was outside enjoying myself, so I went back to the car and I tried cleaning the windows with some special windscreen wipes but I fucked up but she fixed it by turning on the defoggers and then eventually around an hour after midnight we were at the hotel and they had a room.

There was only one bed but I was happy to sleep on the floor. I apologized for the drive and Sof said it was okay and I think she meant it and I felt a lot better but still a bit bad. I sent Rebecca a long text about it that she’ll receive a few hours from now when she lands. I, uh. I should deal with that at some point.

So yeah I think at this point I’ll stop for today. The next day is Sunday, I think, and Sunday was a lot better than Saturday and in the evening interesting things started happening and then Monday happened and I want to be in a good mood and not so tired when I write about Monday. Otherwise I’m at a much higher risk of saying something stupid.

I spent three hours listening to vacuum cleaners while writing this because Jan is next to me on his computer and he’s doing his usual yelling and sharp laughter and it’s annoying as fuck but fortunately this drowns it out. It’s been so loud for so long now though that I’m getting a bit of a headache so I should stop. If I start hearing Jan again though I’ll get annoyed with Jan and Jan is involved with the next part of the story and I don’t want to write about him while actively resenting him for the noises he’s making, so hopefully he’ll be out of the house tomorrow and I can write about his participation in the story when my resentment for him is more passive or temporarily forgotten.

Or maybe I won’t finish this at all.

What the fuck, I just heard him THROUGH the fucking vacuum cleaner noises. Why is he still awake. It’s 3am. Why is he still yelling so FUCKING LOUD. It’s 3am. And Sof calls him sweet. It’s 3am.

And I’m back. Jan’s computer is on and I saw that his last Facebook conversation was with Sof and I want to read their chat history but I’m not going to because that would be disrespectful to her. I don’t care much about him, though, he’s a jerk 90% of the time. He’s currently in that 10% now, though, outside on the balcony comforting a depressed friend so that gives me the peace and quiet the finish this post.

So for the Grand Tour of Gua Tempurung we had to be there before 10am. I texted the people and told them we couldn’t make it ‘cause we arrived very late. I went to sleep. I woke up and it was nine-ish so there technically was time if we really rushed. Instead of rushing I took a shower (no shampoo still but luckily there was, like, a foam soap dispenser in the bathroom so I used that) and then got changed and went out and used the wifi.

After we checked out we went looking for vegetarian food but there wasn’t any. There was a street food kinda place that had vegetables but Sof said she knew that place would’ve cooked their vegetables with their meat because that’s what places like that do. I decided to go hunting for a 7-Eleven and after asking for directions from a gas station we found one. I bought Nutella and bread (because this was kinda sorta a Tumblr meetup and you can’t have one of those without Nutella) and Sof bought a lychee drink and cup noodles. We ate at a nearby coffeeshop and we used chopsticks to spread the Nutella.

We arrived at the cave in time to join a tour that was halfway done. It wasn’t the Grand Tour but that was a good thing because Sof wasn’t prepared to get wet and stuff because I hadn’t fully informed her of what was involved in the Grand Tour, so it was kinda good we didn’t arrive on time. Anyway when the guide asked us why we didn’t want to upgrade I told him that it was because Sof didn’t want to get wet and she got annoyed at me and I apologized.

The cave was still really awesome and great but it was more awesome and great in the past. Vandals and thieves and ruined a few walls and formations.

When we reached the end of the tour I talked to the guide and he talked about how his dad owned and ran the cave for many years up until his recent passing. We talked about a cool tiny chamber with massive crystal formations that they had to bar up to keep people out. The tour guide was an interesting guy.

Sof saw the stairs that would constitute the continuation of the tour if we had done the Grand Tour and she said that those were the kind of stairs she couldn’t handle because of her HMS or her fibro or both. It was the end for us anyway, though, so we went back and we talked to some tourists who were visiting for their dad’s birthday. They were nice.

As we were walking down the stairs Sof got annoyed at me again, but in Dutch this time. I think I was stopping too much to wait for her when I should’ve just gone ahead.

Outside the cave I asked if she wanted to stop and tan since there was sunshine and a river but that was a dumb idea so obviously she said no. We took a few selfies (the ones that I guess were snapchatted away ‘cause I haven’t seen ‘em yet) while waiting for the people from the tour to exit so we could say goodbye, but they went in a different direction when they came out and it was awkward to follow them so I didn’t. I think it was here when I asked in more detail how to say goodbye. Apparently asking people to text you when they get home safe is very important.

So Jan’s drinking with his buddies and earlier he told me that Sof said I’m only tolerable in small doses. I agree with that. I think I’m the one that told her that, also in that dead-end road after turning round after missing that turn after Kuala Terengganu. He also said a lot of other stuff and I wrote a message on Facebook to Sof about some of the stuff but then I ctrl+x’d it and sent it to Hannah instead. I didn’t want to delete it and I didn’t want it to go unread but sending it to Sof would be dumb and very probably insensitive so it’s best if she didn’t see it, I think. I think it’s best if I don’t say anything else to her ever unless she opens the conversation. Also apparently Hannah heard me say something along the lines of “Okay fine I’m infatuated with Sof but I’m not jealous that she and Jan hooked up” and I kind of remember the last bit but I don’t remember saying anything like the first half but I don’t think Hannah is lying so I guess that means I’m in denial so bad that it’s affecting my memory? That’s… kind of scary, actually.

Anyway yeah Sof said she’d stopped seeing guys because they hadn’t bothered to ask her to text them when she was home safe. Apparently if you fail to do that it’s a sign you don’t care. I didn’t know that. I’ve never really texted Rebecca to make sure she got home safe, but I do care. I’m glad she doesn’t think like Sof on that subject, at least. Maybe I’ll start asking her, though.

Anyway after that we drove back to KL and I think it was the nicest drive but Jan needs me to pick him and his friends up from McD’s now so I’ll continue it when I get back if they drink on the balcony but if they come back and want to play DotA then I don’t know when I’ll continue this.

They’re drinking on the balcony, yay.

So the drive was good, yeah. It was relatively short, only a little over an hour. We pulled over at a rest station so Sof could use the bathroom and I could eat more mangosteens, and then we finally changed the music situation. Sof used her headphones to listen to her iPod, and I used my earphones to listen to my phone music (still bluetoothed to the car so I could use the controls on the steering wheel to adjust volume and skip songs) and so that was nice. We, uh, we maybe should’ve done that earlier in the trip.

Anyway we got back to KL and just lay around. I asked about religion and I found out Sof was religious and then I kept talking and I shouldn’t’ve.

I think we may have napped or maybe I just went on my computer and let Sof use her phone or iPod to use the internet. I kinda forget what happened on Sunday afternoon.

At dinner time we were finally going to try roti canai and Jan asked if he could come and I said sure. I told him he should talk to Sof about Joyce because Joyce told him she has no feelings and Sof told me she has almost no feelings or much less feelings than most people so maybe she could offer some insight. So Jan told Sof about Joyce and how there was no reply from her and the whole sob story there, but we also talked about how Jan had made out with Joyce and that random Chinese girl at the party this month when prior to this he had no kissing experience at all. Sof said the roti canai was the opposite of food she likes.

We bought some drinks and cards on the way back and Jan invited Joel over. Joel drank with us and I got very drunk and went to bed the earliest when the rest of them went to watch The International. Before that, though, we played cards and Jan talked more about Joyce and his feelings and Sof comforted him with a pat on the head and a hug and compliments.

During one of the long drives I asked Sof something along the lines of “If you ever meet someone worth complimenting, do you just straight-up compliment them or do you wait for them to compliment you first or do you wait for them to do something for you first and then compliment them” and she said she just doesn’t compliment people, usually. The best she does is saying “I have faith in you” or “I believe in you.” What she said to Jan was more than that, though, so I made a mental note to tell him how lucky he was to get a Sof compliment after she had left.

Also while drinking and playing cards I revealed “embarrassing” “secrets” about myself because… I wanted attention? I thought it was funny? I can’t remember and I probably didn’t know at the time. Actually it probably had something to do with getting Sof to tell Joel the thing did right before coming to Malaysia that always made her laugh when she thought about it and that she told Jan and me and the old guy at the roti canai place about. She didn’t tell Joel, though. Not that I know of, at least.

Joel is Jan’s best friend, by the way.

Jan is my brother, also. In case I haven’t introduced him before.

Anyway yeah after drinking I split up the mattresses and went on my computer while the three of them watched The International. When I looked over I saw Jan and Sof kinda cuddling but I thought that I was maybe reading too much into it so I just told myself “Oh nah she’s just cold and there’s not a lot of space on that couch and they’re probably less conservative about touching each other like that in Australia so it’s fine” and then I went to sleep.

On Monday we were supposed to go to the pool and Sof was supposed to start work on her tan but the haze was too fucking thick so that was cancelled. Instead we just lay around. That might’ve been the day that we talked about religion, actually. Jan didn’t sleep at all, apparently he went straight to his exam after the couch and stuff. Joel had disappeared when I woke up, too.

I can’t remember much of Monday but I do remember Sof and I talking during one of the drives about what would make us disown our children. Sof said she’d disown her kid for murder. I wouldn’t. Well, it’d depend on the kind of murder.

Anyway yeah Jan came back from his exam and took a shower and a nap and then Sof took a nap and then I took a nap and when I woke up from my nap I saw Sof waking up from her nap and going over to Jan’s mattress and leaning in to his face and then I looked away ‘cause it seemed kinda private but I thought to myself “I’m not looking away now because she might be kissing him; I’m looking away because she’s whispering something about Joyce to comfort him and it’d be rude to stare. Yes, that is the reason. They are definitely not kissing because that would be so unlikely. Ha ha, what a silly person I am for even remotely entertaining the thought that that might be a thing that could happen.” and then I got out of my mattress and went on my computer for a while.

When it was time to drive to the airport, Jan asked if he could come along and I said yes.

Oh yeah, the night before Jan had already plugged his laptop in to the TV for The International and so Sof showed him some of her music and he showed her some of his and she said his music was good (I hate his music) and that it was better than mine or she liked it more than mine. She also said at some point that all my music followed the same formula and maybe also that it was bland or just generic and pop-y. I don’t think those are necessarily bad things for music to be.

Anyway yeah I think on Monday they were just watching Salad Fingers together and stuff.

But yeah the drive to the airport. Jan asked if he could bluetooth his device to the car and Sof looked interested in that so I said yes but then I took out my earphones and put my volume up to full so I wouldn’t have to hear his crap and I was thinking and acting like quite a dick for most of that drive. When a lady driver tried to cut into my lane without indicating and just drifted across the line almost into my dad’s car, I held down the horn for a long, long, time and yelled at her and ended my rant with the word “Bitch” which I pretty much never use with ladies because Tumblr told me not to but I was really upset and in a very bad mood.

When we arrived at the airport I apologized for my behaviour in the car and they said (or was it just Sof who said) it was okay. We went looking for food and we couldn’t really find it until Secret Recipe. They didn’t charge my drink to the bill. I was considering just not telling them but eventually I went up and told them and they said it was fine and I didn’t have to pay and that was nice. When I got back to my seat at the table across from Jan and Sof, I noticed their arms were, like, um. Well I mean when people sit across from each other and their arms are on their laps or whatever you’d expect the arms to be “| |” but Jan’s arm and Sof’s arm looked more like “\ /” before going under the table and that’s when I realized that maybe I wasn’t overthinking the cuddling and the after-nap lean. I used a very lousy excuse, something like “*yawn* wow I sure am tired guess I’m gonna have a quick nap here on the chair next to me, just lying down kinda under the table over here real quick” and then I saw that they were, indeed, holding hands.

I got up and said something like “yeah you guys can just chill here, I’m gonna go take a nap near the rainforest-y bit, you can call me right before Sof’s due to leave and I’ll say goodbye” and I walked off. I texted Hannah “They’re holding hands???” and then “Oh your mint is still in the car btw”. Hannah left a mint plant in the car earlier. Anyway she replied “Who is holding hands? Yes pls bring my plant” and I replied “Jan and Sof. Our bro is a pro. I left them alone, getting ready to nap in the concourse now. Ok I will bring plant.” and then Hannah replied “Lol wtf???? Where are you guys” and then in a long text that I can’t be bothered to retype I told her basically that we were in the airport and about the stuff I saw them doing the night before and then I went to sleep.

Hannah is my sister, by the way. I think you probably already know that.

Wait actually there is a bit of that text I’d like to retype: “Should’ve had him show her around the country. She would’ve enjoyed it a lot more. Jan got game =D”

I wasn’t jealous and I wasn’t upset. I was glad. I felt happy. I entered the airport in a pretty shitty mood and I’d been in a pretty shitty mood for most of the day but when I saw them holding hands I was confused and happy. I wanted to know how it happened and I was proud that my brother could manage to hold hands with someone as awesome as Sof and I was excited that I got to see Sof in action with a guy after hearing so many stories about how she’d manipulate them and play with their heads and make them fall for her and all that.

I woke up to a phone call from them. I told them where to find me and went back to sleep. They called me again and said they couldn’t find me and to come to KFC ‘cause that’s where they were. I went over and found them and they were making out. I thought “Hannah needs to see this” and took a picture, then I tried to approach but they were still making out so I went behind a pillar and waited a bit until I thought they were done and then gave them a call and went over to find them.

I sat next to them for a while in awkward silence and then I said “Sof, were you making out with my brother” and she said “Yes” and then I think she said “He started it, though” and Jan said “Yeah but you wanted it” and then Sof said that sounded kinda rapey and then I said that she didn’t deny it, though, which meant it wasn’t that rapey and then I tried to brofist Jan but he turned it down. Then I think they wanted to do more intimate stuff so I left them alone for a bit and took a walk.

When I came back they explained that they’d made out the night before as well and how it happened. Basically Jan thought that Sof’s pat on his head meant that she liked him, and then when she got close to him on the couch he thought it was time to reciprocate, so he was patting her head, and then she thought that meant he liked her, so she held his and and stuff, and then eventually they were making out and Joel walked in on them and I think our maid might’ve, too, because she knew as well. At some point during this explanation I managed to get a brofist from Jan. Sof turned my brofist down, though, and she said she’d never brofist me for that. I just wanted to celebrate, yo. But yeah, she said I’m never going to get a brofist from her from that and I’m never going to get my apology accepted for stepping on her face.

Anyway we moved to a different bench but on the way we passed some toilets and Sof gestured to them and kinda jokingly asked Jan if he wanted to go in (for some form of sexytimes, presumably) but he said no and I was like “Bro! Bro! Don’t be a wuss! Bro! C’mon! Bro. Bro.” but he was still like “Nah” so we just went to the bench.

Oh also before that I asked why they had made out if they knew I was coming because they had just called me, and Sof said to blame Jan because he’d initiated the kiss. I guess my brother is an exhibitionist or maybe just turned on by the idea of the possibility of getting caught? And Sof is a little bit, too, ‘cause she went along with it? Anyway I left them on the bench to have more alone time and I said I’d be back in 21 minutes so they could either be ready to be doing nothing or anything depending on how badly they wanted to deny their exhibitionist tendencies.

After some time passed, Sof called (or texted?) saying to come over ‘cause she was going to leave a bit early in case there was extra stuff to deal with once she got through the checkpoint. So I came over and Jan was hugging Sof on the bench and they were so adorable. I’m pretty sure all I said as I approached them was “Awwwww”. I was a bit surprised to see that Sof was the one in Jan’s arms and not the other way around. She just seems like she’d be the top in any relationship, but I guess I misjudged her.

I misjudged Sof on a lot of things. I didn’t think she’d be religious, either. Or that she’d have a boat.

Anyway it was time to say goodbye and so we finally hugged and I think I apologized for the crappy parts of the trip and I said fly safe and asked her to contact me once she was in Hong Kong like I’d learned from her lesson in how to say goodbye but then I also said “Thanks for taking care of my bro” as in “Thanks for comforting him after that thing with Joyce” but even that sounds a bit, uh, sex-worker-y. So Sof laughed and broke off and said we had to do it again so we said goodbye again but without the “thanks for comforting my bro” part.

Then Jan wanted some pictures with Sof and I told him he should maybe ask someone else to take the pictures because my hands are really shaky but he got me to do it anyway so I took, like, ten. That way at least one or two would be good. It meant that Jan has ten more pictures with Sof than I do, though. He deleted most of them except two because they were all too shaky and blurry, though.

Then Jan said goodbye to Sof and they kissed. And then they kept kissing. And then I turned around and admired the ceiling and the floor and the walls and then I turned around and they were still making out and it looked like they were doing it really well and then it ended, and Sof went through the checkpoint and down the escalator and then Jan and I were at the balcony for a while but Sof didn’t turn around and rather than waiting for her to leave our sight Jan just said “Let’s go” so we went.

Actually after Jan and Sof made out and I sat down with them, Sof texted me. “Hey so I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you’re not okay with the current situation. If I’m right, I’m really sorry. Regardless of whether or not you have feelings for me, I get that it’s a difficult situation to see your brother with anyone, let alone one of your friends. I hope you can forgive both of us and not make it too weird for Jan… especially given I’m sending this when you’re right next to me but I know this is weird enough.” and so I texted back “Haha nah bru I’ve always thought you were hot but I can’t recall ever being infatuated with you. I’m actually pretty proud of the fact that I managed to not develop feelings for you this whole trip. I wasn’t so successful in 2010 wh” but then Jan got up to go to the toilet so I just finished the text in person by telling Sof that yeah, I was actually really happy to see her and Jan together and it was seriously no big deal and I wasn’t angry with Jan. I think that assumption about how I felt and the direction of MH17 (Malaysia to Amsterdam instead of the other way around) were the only two things Sof was wrong about the entire trip. Anyway Sof said I should tell Jan because he was really scared or he was feeling really bad so I went towards the toilet and I started texting him “Bro it’s fine, seriously. I was only mad last night because I couldn’t connect with Sof as well as you and Joel were, and even then I was just mad at myself, not you guys. I am legit impressed with you for managing to score with such” but then he came out of the toilet so I just told him.

Anyway yeah so after Sof left we got in the car and Jan still didn’t really believe I wasn’t upset. He was also being all emo because he felt that for the third time in the month he had made out with a girl and it had meant nothing. I told him to just enjoy the fact that he got to make out with such an amazing person, just take the ego boost and the good memory of a good physical feeling but he didn’t want to. He did say though that Sof went all-out with the makeout. I think his exact words were that “She went whole ham” which I think is a DotA thing? He also said that she was more into it than him and that he thought she wanted it more than him.

Anyway Sof messaged me from the airport and I messaged her back and I kept pulling over the shoulder to text her but finally this was my goodbye: “Boarding in five, yeah? Have a safe flight, Sof, this whole thing was awesome and it could hardly have ended better. =D Reply to my FB thing when you land so I know you are safe and nondisappeared and nonexploded. =)” and Sof replied by thanking me for having her over and by saying that what I said could be some awkward last words and also that I should stay well and keep being better. I replied to that with a second attempt at a better goodbye but her phone was already off.

Shortly later a plane crashed in Taiwan and a bunch of people died. I thought “fuck.” for a moment then I remembered that Sof’s flight was to Hong Kong and Taiwan was only after that, so that wouldn’t be her flight.

Anyway we got home and I was still feeling good and then I went to bed and I woke up and then I felt kinda hollow and sad so the happiness from seeking them hook up didn’t last.

So yeah, basically, how was Sof’s visit? There were some good moments, especially in the first day and the karaoke, but there were many many long periods where I was just driving next to Sof and all her… perfection, basically, and I just felt like shit in comparison and in general. A lot of things went wrong with the planning but things could’ve gone worse. I guess it was interesting. I’m not doing so well afterwards, though.

She’s still talking to him on Facebook and I think she likes him more than he likes her but that confuses me because that’s not how I expected Sof to react based on the stories she’s told me about herself and guys and how she’s always the one keeping feelings out of it. Also based on that message Jan showed me when he was drunk earlier, she thinks Jan is someone he isn’t. Him and Joel said that their way with girls is to just pretend to be nice until they hook up with your or you get what you want. That’s why Joel’s breaking up with his girlfriend over the phone soon (I told him to do it in person but he doesn’t want to), it’s too exhausting to play pretend around her all the time. Jan only had to play pretend for a day but now Sof’s stuck with this idea of him that isn’t him but she’s talking to that idea and meanwhile the real Jan is just telling me he’s annoyed. What a dick.

2) Kinda. I already knew most of what you told me but you explained it very well. I think having it explained again made things easier to comprehend.

3) Sof. She’s great with people and very driven and she works hard and wants to improve and she thinks about everything she does and meanwhile I’ve got less friends than fingers and most days my biggest struggle is to find motivation to do anything and I’m always looking for the easiest way to get things done and I’m fine drifting through life with no major changes and I’m inconsiderate ‘cause I rush into saying and doing things without considering the consequences to myself or others. She’s also super self-confident and lately I’ve just been a self-pitying mess.

4) Right now? I guess Sof again. It was nice having someone nice around all the time who was available to talk to, even though most of the time she probably didn’t even want to be talked to but she mostly listened anyway ‘cause that’s the kind of gal she is.

5) The sweet embrace of death. That, or finding a new job and getting another paycheck. I want money again.

Oh no wait actually Rebecca is back from the UK tomorrow and we’re hanging out this weekend. That should be nice. I like her.

1. Favourite youtuber? | 2. Red or blue? | 3. How do you feel about birthdays? | 4. Do you hate movies that don't portray the book? | 5. What do you want to happen before the end of this year? |

1) I don’t really know. I think YouTube thinks my favourite youtuber is Rebekah Smith because her videos are my most watched things aside from the Vice News dispatches from Ukraine and the Middle East. Her videos are relaxing and when Jan isn’t around to interrupt me with his yelling, I put them on and use them to help me take really really good naps.

2) Blue. Red makes people act impulsively and tip more but blue prevents suicide and inspires calm. I’m impulsive enough without colours egging me on so I’ll go with the calmer option.

3) They can be fun. The best way to buy presents is to ask the person directly what they want or consult his or her wishlist. Trying to find your own thing might make you feel good but the recipient doesn’t know how much time and thought you put into it, all he or she knows is “Oh, I spent my time setting up a great big list of stuff I want but instead I’ve got this random thing that I’m now obliged to use or else the giver feels sad.” Also don’t worry too much about money; expense doesn’t seem to affect how people think about gifts or their givers.

As for the events themselves, I think a good dinner and some laser tag or karaoke or just sitting around and talking for a long while are good enough celebrations.

4) Nah. World War Z was almost exactly nothing like the book but it was still a fun-ish very dumb movie. I wish they had called it something else but I wouldn’t say I hate it.

5) Going steady with Rebecca would be cool. Also accumulating half a thousand ringgit in savings would be pretty rad, too.



Take note: this is how to properly disarm someone. Always go to the outside of the arm, not the inside.

ah yes I have been doing it wrong the whole time it seems cowering in fear was not the first step



Take note: this is how to properly disarm someone. Always go to the outside of the arm, not the inside.

ah yes I have been doing it wrong the whole time it seems cowering in fear was not the first step

Australian English - a Handy Guide, part 1
Pissed: either angry or drunk. Sometimes both.
Piss easy: extremely easy.
Pissed off: either in the context of being angry, or having left a place.
Piss Up: an event containing alcohol.
Pissing down: Raining heavily.
Pissed on: usually used to describe being rained on.
Piss around: dawdle or delay; procrastinate.
Pissing contest: attempting to prove one's abilities are better than someone else's, for no discernible gain.
Piss faced (see also 'shitfaced'): inebriated.
Pissy: either angry, or something very small.
Piss-poor/piss-weak: weak or disappointing.
Piss head: Alcoholic individual.
As an example: George and some other piss head got into a pissing contest, where George put in a piss poor effort and got pissed off because it started pissing down. He'd figured it would be piss easy to win, so he was pissy and spent the rest of the afternoon pissing around before deciding to piss off and avoid getting pissed on any further by the rain.


a small collection of somewhat disturbing, but otherwise entertaining posts


Here’s my final for my Time Arts class. I wrote a comic about my Kenyan sand boa, Boo.